Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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