He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
