just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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