i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
