we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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