Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
