I want you more than these girls want KFC
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
