I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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