I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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