I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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