Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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