I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
only you would photoshop your dick
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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