Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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