i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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