Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
