I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
