I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
