Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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