She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Pants are for mortals
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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