so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
