were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
