Do you still have your period?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
