are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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