I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
