Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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