i may or may not be watching the land before time
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize