This is not my ceiling
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Alive.
So much puke
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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