Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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