All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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