He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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