I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize