this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize