Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
