yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
