I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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