mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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