I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
