6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
