Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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