I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
