I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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