i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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