i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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