Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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