ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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