She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need to stop coming to work sober
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she peed on how many people?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
