I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
