My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
