Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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