i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
well you can't waste a boner
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
