I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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