Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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