Betty ford says i'm here all night
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
In America we eat man semen.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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