I seem to have left my pride at pride
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
