come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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