his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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