Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
